Dear EFAP: Husband of an acquaintance likes me… I think

Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call Employee Wellness/EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

My Spidey senses tell me that the husband of an acquaintance likes me more than just as a friend. I got this feeling at a New Year’s party where everyone looked particularly dazzling in their back tie, finery and stilettos.  It was flattering. He was full of compliments and he is kind of cute. I swear every time I turned around there he was. I am single. He is not. He says that he wants to be friends with me, but I sense danger…  What do you think?

– Questioning the Interest

Dear Questioning the Interest,

Well girlfriend, I think you should listen to those Spidey senses and run away from this one as fast as your Manolos will take you. I may be a bit old fashioned in this, but I think having an opposite sex friendship can be very very risky. Especially if you have some mutual attraction, which I gather is true here. If his interest is stroking your ego, I do get that because you mentioned that you are on your own and may be a tad lonely, but believe me, there are much healthier ways to ego boost.

With these relationships, when you are good with your partner, then an opposite sex friendship is easy. But when you are having the inevitable issues that long term relationships have and you have an opposite sex friend, you will likely share the intimacy of your troubled situation with them; this detracts from pouring the attention and intimacy back it into your own troubled relationship where the attention is most needed. So what ends up happening is that you grow the intimacy with your opposite sex friend and remove it from your primary relationship, and often that will lead to an affair and infidelity developing. I believe that it is a recipe for potential disaster and in the end, I fear that you would be the most hurt. There are lots of people to be friends with that would not come with this risk. I might suggest that you hang out with them and leave this one alone.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact Employee Wellness/EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.