Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

Send us questions

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

My wife is away, she went on her yearly pilgrimage with her sisters and mom. This has left me at home with our two teenage sons and I’m going nuts! They leave everything everywhere, they expect to be driven around, they eat us out of house and home on a daily basis, they only do what they are up to doing and not what is needing to be done. They are the most entitled children – I cannot believe we’ve raised these not so little monsters. HELP!
– Discouraged Dad

Dear Discouraged Dad,

I think some of the hovering helicopter parenting that we all did when our kids were smaller has indeed left a mark and an expectation that we will continue to do that. Your wife has likely had a routine that’s different than yours in terms of her expectations of them, and now that she’s out of town this is making itself known to you. Although it would be easy to encourage you to lay down the law and get them taking care of themselves, I’m not sure that it’s the best place to start. Firstly, I think you need to take a look at how it came to be this way. I would ask you – what part have you played in all of this? I ask that because both you and your wife have played a part in this. I would recommend that the two of you have a bit of a chin wag about how you want to move forward as a parenting unit with the boys when she’s back. It’s key that the two of you be aligned, and right now it looks like that isn’t the case.

Then, in terms of telling the boys of the changes that need to happen, I might suggest that you sit them down and ask them about what they think is reasonable. I would also suggest that you share with them how leaving their things all over the place impacts you. If you approach it more like “team leader who needs to work with his members to get the job done” rather than “angry Dad who has a right to tell them what to do” you may have a bit more success. And by the way, this younger set are different in their generational values than those of us who are a bit older. For the most part, as a generational group (and there are always exceptions and of course always cultural norms that are different for some) these kids operate with more of an idea that balance is a good thing, and that isn’t a bad thing – in moderation. So, you are not alone, my friend. Demanding changes from them likely won’t work – collaboration versus command and control may be your better route. Good luck and keep us posted.

* * *

The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.