Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modelled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the first three selections – enjoy!

I am engaged to be married in a few months and I’m loaded down with credit card debt. My partner doesn’t know about the debt. He is moving in at the end of the month and so will hear the creditors’ calls. I am freaked out and distracted at work and am avoiding friends. I am afraid if he learns of my financial mess he will leave me. What should I do???

– Maxed out/Freaked out Bride-to–be

Dear Maxed out/Freaked out Bride-to-be,

First, remember to breathe. Worrying about whether he will leave you if he finds out is not your biggest problem.  Telling him the truth so that you can start your life together honestly is essential. It might also be wise to get financial debt advice to come up with some solutions to your credit card problems as well as give couples counselling a shot in order to help you weather the initial impact of the news (consider www.efap.ca). If he truly loves you he will value your honesty and will understand how hard it was for you to tell him. If he does not find out before the wedding and then inadvertently learns of this secret after the wedding he will have a much higher likelihood of leaving, so – onward to the truth. It will either set you free or him free but either way it will, in the end, make you happier and less distracted at work and in life.

I am a Nurse, a Wife and a new Mom.  After taking time off for maternity leave I am now back working night shifts and I am, quite frankly, sleep deprived. I return home just in time for my husband to leave for his workday, and it’s at this time that I begin my ‘Mom job.’ I have no time for myself or my husband, and I’m irritable and exhausted in the workplace – I recently snapped at a coworker in front of several people. Clearly I can’t keep all of these balls in the air, HELP!

– Sleepless in VGH

Dear Sleepless in VGH,

Your life has just shifted with the birth of your precious new baby and therefore the way you manage the impact of your night shifts has to change too.  Sleep is essential and without it you could hurt yourself, a patient, or your child and that would not be good. There is  a lot to juggle in this new chapter of your life and so understandably a ball can drop – that is normal so be kind to yourself.  You and your husband need to invest some time and perhaps money into creating a new childcare plan that incorporates your work as a nurse, a wife, a woman and a mom and allows you to spend some quality time in each role. Possibilities could include: your husband changing his work hours, sharing childcare with friend, asking family members to help out, employing help inside the home or through a part time daycare, scheduled date nights with your husband and chunks of time set aside for “you time.” It will take a fair amount of planning but it’ll be worth it. As for snapping at coworkers – consider apologizing to those who you have snapped at, let your colleagues and supervisor know what you are struggling with and that you and your husband are working on a solution. If they’re aware of what you’re up against then they’re far more likely to accept your apology and support you as you develop your new plan.  You work hard in all of your roles and your loved ones, coworkers and most of all – you – deserve to enjoy you in each one of them.

My partner and I have two cats and the litter needs to be changed daily. I am in health care and like to stay clean. I hate the smell of the litter but I love my cats and my partner – not necessarily in that order. As we both work it is only fair that each of us takes responsibility for one of the “scoop and clean” episodes daily. Recently my partner sprained his wrist, and the doctor has asked him to rest it for a while.  My partner is saying that this should give him a pass on changing the cat litter. He says that instead, while healing, he could do other things that do not involve carrying heavy kitty litter. I do not think that this is fair; if he scoops slowly it isn’t that different from many other household tasks.  I really care about my partner and I really want to support him to get better but I don’t think it is fair that he won’t do this unpleasant task.  Is there anything that I can do to get through this?

– Kitty Litter Complainant 

Dear Kitty Litter Complainant,

One thing comes to mind – until your partner’s wrist is healed…could you put on some gloves and change the litter?

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.