Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modelled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

Send us your questions

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below are our responses to the next two selections – enjoy!

I work in an office and work closely with 8 to 15 staff. For the past few years I have experienced the office temperature being at different degrees. In the afternoon after the room heats up we like to open the windows and change the air – and cool off. One woman throws a fit when the window is open…as she is always cold. The rest of the staff are too afraid to stand up to her. I have noticed over the years, this woman’s behaviour is aggressive as she makes sure we all hear that she is cold – she then gets her coat on and works. We all recognize this and are uncomfortable. Bottom line – we ALL are uncomfortable being so hot – but are afraid to open the window for fear she gets mad. . I feel very uncomfortable working in this situation and it upsets me on a daily basis. Please advise….

–  Too Hot

Dear Too Hot,

You may be too hot but it sounds like this chilly office atmosphere is in need of some global warming. Managing the temperature needs of a group of people can be daunting. When one is hot, often others are not. It might be worth a chat with your Supervisor to ask them what process the group could look at to decide on a comfortable office temperature for everyone. You could also inquire (and then be prepared to listen non-defensively to the answer) as to whether your chilled colleague might consider a compromise of some sort that does not include wearing her coat, or if she might like, and if there is space, to move to a more comfortable area in the office for her, or perhaps if she might even consider a small desk area heater.

But really, the cold is a much smaller part of this problem.  It appears that the bigger issue here is fear, not temperature.  It might be good to speak with your supervisor, HR, EFAP and/or the confidential No Bully Line (1-844-NO-BULLY) to try to sort out some options on how best to manage your fear of speaking to this coworker.  Sometimes aggression, whether overt or passive, is a sign of defense. No one wants anyone to feel discomfort on a daily basis, and so working together with support to facilitate a change that would be acceptable to all seems a good route to consider.

The other side to this issue is that, however inadvertently, you and your coworkers are talking about the woman in question without her present, and so although you are too hot and she gets too cold, the group is freezing her out.  This might feel like a lonely place for her, and could be adding to her reactive behaviour. She too could consider speaking to her Supervisor, HR, EFAP and/or the confidential No Bully Line for support on how best to deal with the situation.  You all want to work in a temperature that promotes happiness and health, so it’s time to melt the frost bite, get some help, and consider having a supported, clear, and thoughtful conversation.  This would allow the group to decide on a more moderate temperature adjustment process, and would be a proactive step in promoting a much warmer workplace climate.

When I got engaged a few months ago I asked my fiancé’s sister (and sole sibling) to be one of my bridesmaids – I figured this was part of wedding etiquette. She was thrilled and my fiancé was touched by this gesture.  I had never actually met her in person because she lives outside of the country, so when she flew in for my bachelorette party and I met her at the airport – yikes!  All I could see was her large, dark, unsightly unibrow. I did not anticipate that unplucked eyebrows could potentially sabotage my beautiful wedding photos. I think I will just cut her out of my wedding party.  What do you think?

–  Bothered by the Brow

Dear Bothered by the Brow,

Wow Bridezilla, slow down. Cutting your fiancé’s only sibling out of your wedding party for the sake of a few extra hairs, especially in light of the fact she is travelling on an airplane and likely paying her own way to stand up with you and her brother on your special day, is worthy of a significant re-think. If you cut her out of your party you might have to be prepared to have your fiancé cut you out of his life. Another less severe alternative would be to let all of your bridesmaids know that you have a special vision for their look on your wedding day and then describe it – from shoes and dresses to nails, shaped eyebrows, and coordinated make-up and hair. It would also be nice to offer to pay or partly for this vision to be created for them, and let them know that if anyone has a concern about your vision to let you know. If sis-to-be does not say anything then you are good to go!  You could even make a joint appointment with the brow lady.  If sis-to-be refuses to participate in your vision then perhaps you can let her know how important it is to you that all of your maids look the same on that day and offer her another special role in the wedding.

Before you enter into any of these alternatives though, it would be very wise speak to your fiancé frankly about how important this plucked look is to you. He may support you and let you carry out your plan, he may decide to speak to his sister privately and encourage her to participate in your shaped brow desire, or he may decide to dump you.   But, you know, her unibrow will grow back after the wedding and there will be many years of pictures with this sister in them. So, the other way to go might be to accept who she is and celebrate her in this way. This would mean neither plucking the brow nor cutting out the bridesmaid sister-in-law, but instead turfing the Bridezilla behavior.