Dear EFAP: Feeling Blue

Thank you to those who have written to “Dear Efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter-hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support, please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929), and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with, and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

Dear EFAP,

I’ve been dating a guy for a couple months now, I finally met a skier and someone who knows what pathetic fallacy means!  Last night he texted me saying that this ex reconnected with him and it has messed with his head.  He needs space to figure it out and he may re-initiate contact, and I’m devastated – I really liked this one.  What do you think I should do?

-Feeling Blue

Dear Feeling Blue,

Oh goodness gracious, my heart goes out to you – it’s never easy to get the “goodbye” text.  I will say, though, I do respect the fact that he let you know right up front that he was reconnecting with his ex. Many men may have skipped that courtesy and connected with their former gal while keeping their current gal on the line, so, when it comes to honesty he gets a 10/10. But, when it comes to decision making, he has been a bit careless in connecting with you when clearly he has unresolved baggage from his previous relationship.

What to do? Try giving him some space, it really can take time to disconnect from a former partner, and it can be confusing.  Through this experience, though, you’ve learned something about him.  He may start things before he has emotionally finished others, so keep an eye on this.  In the meantime, be kind to yourself.  Treat yourself with some compassion, pamper yourself, and let yourself grieve this relationship – you’re going to be okay!  If he comes to the decision that his ex is history, and hankers to see if you’re interested in reconnecting, you can see if that still appeals to you at the time.  But, if he goes back to that relationship and stays, be glad that this all ended sooner.  The last thing you would have wanted was for his unresolved feelings to have surfaced when you were even more connected.  So, take one step at a time and look at people who are perhaps more resolved in what they want.  I’m not sure why we need to learn these life lessons the hard way, but it seems that we often do.  In the end, listen to you heart and your head and together – they will help you make the right choice for you.  And if you need a little help along the way, give us a call!

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.

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