Dear EFAP: questioning my next relationship move

Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

Dear EFAP,

My boyfriend wants me to move in with him as my lease is running out. He has a really great place, but the problem is that he makes way more money than me and wants us to go in half and half.  I don’t think that’s fair, what do you think?

• Questioning the Move

Dear Questioning the Move,

Well, my friend, a professor of mine once said that as humans we are inclined to share our germs before we share our money, and we’ve been known to act before we’ve really thought it through. Honestly, I’m not sure that the ending of a lease should be the motivator to move in together – feelings should probably be leading this decision, not convenience.  If you’re uncomfortable with his proposed financial terms, then that’s even more reason to slow down the process to allow for more discussion.  It sounds like more conversation would be beneficial on a few fronts.

Before you share the same address, it might be a good idea to really see if you share the same feelings.  Without some frank talk about both feelings and finances, I fear that very shortly after you move in you’d want to move out and move on.  So, have that chat and then see how you feel.  If you’re on the same page, then great!  But if you realize that you two have some big differences then it’s better to have the red flags exposed now – good luck!

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.