Dear EFAP: workplace gossip
Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.
We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.
Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!
Dear EFAP,
Drama, drama, drama – that’s all my workplace is about. It’s a sea of woman constantly nattering about each other – this person does this, that person says that, and none of it is ever nice. It is positively a pit. I’m on the younger side in my workplace and I’m totally freaked about saying anything knowing that I’ll be the next one on hit parade for them to turn on. So far my “low pro” is working, but I’m not sure I can keep it up. The job pays well and I don’t have any other options, but I’m not sure I can stand it! What can I do?
- No to the Nattering
Dear No to the Nattering,
Drama is never easy, and I find when people’s lives are just a little too full of nothing they like nothing else than to natter about the lives and times of others. This is just plain not nice – it’s gossip and gossip is toxic. “Low pro” may be working, but at some level by keeping silent, you are inadvertently complying with the gossipers. Not saying anything in essence is letting them continue their spew of toxic talk. I know — not fair! What to do? This is not so easy either; if it was, you would have figured it out and not reached out to “moi.” I think this is one of those situations where you have to ask yourself “Is it worth bringing it up? Is it worth taking it on?” Culture is tricky to turn around, and if the culture is in compliance to the chatter, it makes it tougher.
Ideally, the best way to go would be to have a transparent discussion with one of the leads in the gossip group. Alternatively, you could ask someone to join you in this conversation or even deputize someone to do it for you. But, I do understand it’s hard when you feel all may be against you if you say anything, and you may be right about this (by the way, VCH has your back here, but I get that it is still hard). So, you could consult with your supervisor, share your story and ask for their help. Sometimes a few messages and actions from a leader can kick gossiping to the curb. Or you could just leave the area with grace, but if you do, remember that you do not have to leave the organization, you can look at other options in other departments. There are many jobs and vacancies, you have options!
Chatting with one of the skilled folks at the No Bully Line (1-844-NO-BULLY) may also be something to consider. They can help you carefully weigh your options and, should you choose to speak directly with the natterers, the No Bully Line folks could coach you on how to handle the conversation. They are completely confidential and will debrief the situation for you and will really help you look at viable options. I might recommend that before you confront or before you choose to leave, why not consult and then go from there. Onward to no more drama!
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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you do find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.
mary ann
I find that asking a question to the person gossiping stops them from continuing to gossip around me. My usual response is “I am somewhat confused, perhaps you can clarify why I need to know this?” Some people will stop and look at their behaviour others will carry on with their behaviour. Bottom line I don’t need to listen to the gossip and I can choose to introduce other comments instead about something interesting (recently I talked about a great program I saw called “the world without Canada” – it redirects the conversation in a positive light).
Iris
Gossip tends to have a shady bad reputation but there are reasons for why it takes place not all of which are negative. It can be found universally in practice across the nations. David Wilson who is a professor of biology and anthropology at the state University of New York says “gossip appears to be a very sophisticated, multifunctional interaction which is important in policing behaviours in a group and in defining group membership”. And about that “sea of nattering women”……men are just as likely to engage in gossip as do women. Most conversations involve talking about other people whether we approve of it or not……it’s just the way our people-oriented inclinations take us to.