Dear EFAP: grumbling about the grinch

Thank you to those who have written to “dear efap” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses.  Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense.  If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.

We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information.  Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.

Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!

Dear EFAP

I swear my neighbor is the Grinch who stole Christmas. He is ornery, grumpy and sometimes down right mean. He does not discriminate: he is just horrible to everyone. Yesterday, he came at me complaining about my holiday lights along with a litany of other irritating things.  He’s severely dampening my Christmas spirit. Help. What can I do?

• Grumbling about the Grinch

Dear Grumbling about the Grinch

Oh dear. Humbug over the holidays is no fun.  Do you by chance remember Dr. Seuss’ infamous Grinch who stole Christmas story? In it the Grinch tries to steal Christmas, but the strong beliefs people have for Christmas allowed them to celebrate it even without the gifts. This is a great example about how your thoughts can powerfully influence even the most upsetting situation. And using your thoughts in a different way can also help here. You don’t have control of your neighbor’s thoughts and behaviors. But you do have control of yours. And using this story as inspiration, I would say if you were to think differently about your Grinch-like neighbor, you would both act and react differently with him and so too would he to you.

For instance, thinking of him as a man who is struggling in some way (perhaps for a long time) and that this struggle likely comes out in his behavior, might help you find some compassion for him. And with compassion (not frustration and anger), informing your thoughts about him you have the opportunity to treat him differently.  And this in turn may shift some of his unpleasant behavior. I’m guessing there is a story behind his behavior.  Abe Lincoln once said “I don’t like that man I need to get to know him better “- wise words. And so what can you do? I’d say consider shifting your thinking about him and spending some time with him over the holidays. I would wager not only would he feel good about this but so too would you. For help here I’m inspired by the wisdom of Cindy Lou Who. Cindy did not think of her Grinch as bad.

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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact EFAP toll free at 1-800-505-4929 or 604-872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.