Dear EFAP: honouring my friend
Thank you to those who have written to “Dear EFAP” for input on your dilemmas. As you are aware, we read every inquiry that comes in but we are only able to print a small selection of responses. Our “pithy” answers are modeled after the lighter hearted Dear Abby style and are grounded in common sense. If your issues require a more personalized level of support please call Employee Wellness/EFAP (1-800-505-4929) and we can confidentially book you a counselling appointment with a senior level therapist.
We welcome all inquiries – please submit these to dear.efap@efap.ca. All printed responses use the anonymous descriptor that you sign your inquiry with and do not reveal any identifying information. Our goal is to support you through insight and common sense.
Below is our response to the next selection – enjoy!
Dear EFAP
Not so long ago, an older man became my neighbour and my friend. He was a kind, gentle and supportive soul. We both lived alone and I think that we were both lonely. He had recently lost his wife of many years and did not have children. I had come to Canada on my own from a war-torn country as a refugee after having lost my entire family. Soon he became my confidante, my counsellor, my chef and often my cat-sitter when I would work long hours during my residency.
He was always available to listen. He would also explain Canadian ways to me when I did understand what to do in a situation. He was like the grandpa I never knew.
Recently, he passed away. I am very, very sad about his passing. I’m still finishing up my degree, and have a massive amount of debt. I don’t have much money, but I want to do something in his honour. I don’t know what to do. I want it to represent the kind of kindness that he showed me. Any ideas?
-Honouring my friend
Dear Honouring my friend
Your neighbour, indeed, sounds like a very lovely person and a true friend. I can understand how you would want to honour him with something very special.
I am wondering if you might consider remembering him by “something you do” rather than something material. I might suggest that you consider engaging in acts of “paying it forward” in his honour. This concept is an expression used for describing when the recipient of a good deed repays the deed to others, not to the person who did the original nice thing.
In your case, your neighbour left you with a wonderful experience of kindness, respect, friendship and a real shoulder to lean on when you were alone. I’m sure he’d appreciate you doing kind things for others and paying forward all the lovely things that you experienced.
A surprise act of kindness to someone who is in need is a wonderful thing for both the benefactor and the person bestowing the kind deed. The other thing about it is you can pay forward acts of kindness as many times as you like. They are about caring and love and not about material possessions or money. My sense is that he would think that that was special. Also, to be able to honour someone so unique over and over again…well, that too is special. Onward, my friend.
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The advice offered in this column is meant to be used as general guidance based on the facts provided. The opinions or views expressed should not be relied on as treatment or counselling services. If you are a VCH staff member and find yourself in need of counselling or support, please contact Employee Wellness/EFAP toll free at 1 (800)505-4929 or (604) 872-4929, your family doctor, or another appropriately trained and qualified specialist.