Memory Boxes help grieving parents honour their infant after miscarriage or stillbirth
When a pregnant Sarah Manvell and her husband went for their 20-week routine ultrasound, they received the worst possible news – their baby had no heartbeat.
Within hours, Sarah was induced at Lions Gate Hospital and gave birth to a baby boy who was “born sleeping,” a gentle term for a stillborn baby. Before coming into the hospital she had read a blog post on the topic and it suggested bringing a keepsake in to leave with the baby. She packed a stuffed bunny that a friend had given to her for the baby a few weeks before.
Idea started with a stuffed bunny
But Sarah didn’t leave it with her son as she anticipated. One of the nurses tenderly suggested she take it home as it would be more meaningful to her as a memory of her baby. She’s slept with that bunny tucked on her chest ever since that day, just over a year ago.
“It gives me a great deal of comfort and it reminds me of my baby,” she says.
The experience with the bunny inspired Sarah to want to provide stuffed bunnies to other mothers facing similar situations. Each bunny has a little note written “from one angel mom to another” and it has since evolved into creating memory boxes for parents to keep their sleeping baby’s memorabilia in and take home with them when they leave the hospital. Sarah initially created 15 boxes on her own until the Lions Gate Hospital Foundation heard about her experience and offered to fund new ones in the future.
Part of Sarah’s motivation for the boxes also stems from vague memories of what happened that day. She’s grateful for the compassion and kindness the nurses showed her and her family during this difficult time but looking back, she wishes she had had the opportunity to spend more time with her baby. Regrettably, she had accepted some pain medication that left her feeling drugged and spaced out, and it didn’t occur to her at the time.
“One of the hardest struggles to overcome has been the guilt of not remembering holding my baby. I still ask my husband questions about that morning,” she says. “I’ve come to realize that it’s human nature to want to protect and shield the visible and potential pain, but what a mother and father need in this situation is to really feel that pain.
We cannot medicate this pain – this is the pain that will help in the journey of finding peace. I would have loved to have been able to dress him or even just wrap him in a baby blanket but, I was medicated and I wasn’t able to think very well.”
Nurses now encourage parents to spend time with their baby
Sarah’s experience also kickstarted a discussion among staff on what experiences could be improved upon and expanded, says Sherry Moon, LGH Patient Care Co-ordinator, Perinatal Program, who’s working on a project related to the memory boxes.
Until Sarah’s experience, parents of babies born sleeping typically left the hospital with nothing but health pamphlets.
While the medical community and society have come a long way from neglecting to mourn the death of a baby who has died before birth, care providers are now recommended to encourage and guide distraught parents to spend time with their sleeping baby – whether it’s bathing them, getting imprints of their feet or simply swaddling them in a baby blanket and cuddling with them.
“Nurses are now encouraged to lead parents in exploring their baby and spending time with them – if that is what they choose,” says Sherry. “Every situation is different of course, but we are here to guide them in being able to be with their baby in whatever way they choose, which has been shown to aid in the process of grief and loss.”
Rainbow baby on the way
Sarah’s story has now come full circle. The term “rainbow baby” is used to describe a baby born after a loss. Now 32 weeks pregnant, she and her husband, Simon, are happily expecting a “rainbow baby” to be delivered at Lions Gate at the end of 2015.